The Mom I Am

The mom I was, was softer.

Had more patience.

Got on the floor and played more.

Never raised her voice to shout.

Gave a long snuggle after each nap, enjoying the peaceful quiet of a house that held a family of three within its walls.

The mom I was felt content, capable and certain that she had mastered so much of motherhood this first time around.

When my second was born, the mom I was then faded away. And something new emerged in her absence.

Exhaustion, frustration, colic, feeding issues, relentless crying, potty training, toddlerhood, an unexpected diagnosis…it all chipped away at that softness.

The mom I found myself becoming felt over-stimulated, touched out, anxious, impatient, angry, annoyed.

Playing on the floor felt burdensome.

Holding a screaming baby for hours on end took away all joy in snuggling little ones.

Shouting over spilled milk or spilled anything.

Feeling out of my element, at my wits end and completely unprepared, always needing a break.

The mom I was, then, felt raw, defeated, split open, broken, shattered.

And then the most beautiful thing happened.

Time, growth, love, change, hope, joy and grace picked up the pieces of myself and put them back together, but not in the way they once were.

A new form emerged. The mom I am.

Hardened by the hardships but then softened by grace. Beautifully broken and remade into something entirely different.

Stronger, wiser, happier.

More confident, more faithful, more secure, more compassionate, more forgiving, more satisfied, more peaceful, more loving.

When we see brokenness as the end of the story, we feel defeated. But then we remember the cross. And that Jesus’s death and then resurrection were truly the beginning of something new, something better, something we had never thought of before.

When we see our own brokenness as a new beginning, we find hope.

Hardships in motherhood are not the end of the story, they are but a season. They will last for a time and then, just like summer will fade to fall, the hard days will become fewer and farther between until they exist as but a memory.

Cling to the hope that our brokenness is not the end. It’s a new beginning.

Allow the hardships to strengthen you, it’s okay to feel a little less soft than you were before.

And let the storms pass, knowing full well that a rainbow awaits.