I’m Here Now, But I’ve Been There, Too

I’m nursing my three-month-old daughter and she looks up at me, stops nursing and gives me the biggest smile.

She is laid down for a diaper change and she immediately squeals and coos with joy. This girl just loves getting freshened up.

She wakes up from a nap and is all smiles, as soon as she sees me over her crib, scooping her up into my arms.

She sleeps well, eats well, rarely fusses, smiles all the time and is truly a complete joy to our family and especially to me.

These things make me so incredibly happy, and I love to share the happiness with friends and family through my Instagram and Facebook accounts.

But every time I share a story or publish a post I hesitate.

I hesitate because I think of the mom that is not enjoying the newborn phase due to a fussy baby, feeding issues, intense sleep deprivation, postpartum depression or anything else.

I think of the mom that doesn’t get more than a few minutes of a break each day.

The mom that puts her baby down and that baby is crying within thirty seconds. Cries that become hysterical if they aren’t addressed immediately.

I think of the mom that wasn’t able to breastfeed and is heartbroken or feeling guilty for it .

I think of the mom that has been waking up nearly every hour each night for months on end and cannot seem to get her baby to sleep any longer.

I think of the mom that is exhausted, burnt out, and sitting on the bathtub with tears rolling down her face while her baby takes a short nap, and her toddler sits in front of the TV so she can find a few minutes of peace and quiet.

I think of the mom that hasn’t brought her child home from the NICU yet.

I think of the mom that feels jealous of the other moms with their “easy” babies and their “precious snuggles”, “beautiful moments” and all the things that she just is NOT experiencing.

I think of that mom because I was that mom.

Before my daughter, I had two sons and each one with their own set of hard circumstances.

My eldest, born prematurely, entered the world in such an emotionally traumatic way that it took a long time for me to heal. The month he spent in the NICU was one of the hardest seasons of my life.

My middle child was severely colicky for six very long months. The days were so long, I never thought it would get easier. My baby cried and cried and cried. It was so hard and I was not enjoying sweet smiles and snuggles like I had imagined I would.

Regardless of how hard those seasons were, those boys, and now their sister, are my world. Even though we went through very challenging times with our boys, I would truly do it again for each one of them.

I am grateful for my daughter and each smile and happy noise she makes. It feels like healing to my mama heart. To finally be able to sit and soak up such precious moments with my baby feels like something I’ve waited a lifetime for.

But I’m also thinking of the mama that doesn’t have it so easy and isn’t enjoying the baby phase. I know that your love is no less than mine. I know that your heart spills over with love for your child, even at the end of the longest day of your life, when your baby cried the entire time and you barely got a break to eat, use the bathroom or even brush your teeth.

I know that love because I have felt it, too.

I know the feeling of falling to the floor and spreading your arms out wide, easing the muscles in your back after bouncing a fussy baby all day. I know the way a silent house seems to pour over your weary soul.

And I know exactly how it feels to sneak back into your baby’s room, after what has felt like the longest, hardest day of your mama life and feel the tears well up in your eyes as you watch your little one asleep. The love like nothing else you have experienced, tethering you to them no matter what the day or the night brings.

I may not be in your shoes now, but hear me when I say, I once was. And for the rest of my days, I will remember what it was like to walk in those shoes.

If you’re currently experiencing those brutally difficult days, know that there is a mom, right here, that has gone before you. I know you might cringe when you hear someone tell you that it won’t last forever, but I’m going to gently tell you that it’s true. This hard season will not last.

You may not miss these ultra-hard days when they are behind you like many claim that you will. But they will one day be behind you.

In the meantime, from one mama to another, give yourself lots of grace and believe in yourself. You DO have the strength to get through whatever motherhood is throwing at you. Dig deep, find it, hold tight and know that you’ve got this.

Hugs!